4 years ago, this girl was in my belly. What a weird sentence to type, but I'm feeling nostalgic so let's go with it and take a walk down memory lane.
We'd just moved to a new town only 20 miles away from our old town, but man it felt farther. I was so terribly lonely. Jonathon traveled for work back then and he was gone almost the entire month of September. So I tried to navigate that little town and figure out something to do with my large belly + two kids.
And then, on a brisk October day, came Madelyn. She was beautiful, perfect, and exactly what I'd always pictured what a little baby girl should look like. Then came the storm. A dark, heavy cloud that I'd never felt before. Granted, Madelyn was a little fussy and she didn't believe in sleep. Plus my hormones are always a little out of wack for a week or 2 after my other babies, but this time, I was just so sad. I felt so stretched thin with 3 kids. I didn't have enough hands. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt like a horrible person. I had a beautiful baby, wonderful children, a kind, hard-working husband. What was wrong with me??? It wasn't until December and I was flipping out about something as small as where the star should go on the tree, that I realized something was wrong. This wasn't normal. Facing postpartum depression was tough, but thankfully, I worked though it and that sad, heaviness moved away. And I haven't ever had anything happen to me like that again. I mean, it's not like I don't have down days, but I've never felt that very heavy darkness on me for that long. It was so real and although I don't pretend to understand what people with long term depression go through, I empathize. That has to be so tough.
After I went through it, I felt a renewed sense of love for my babies. Especially Madelyn. She's always given me a bit of a run for me money, but I like to think that she'll be worth it.
Hard times do pass. And sometimes, you get a perfect little curly haired angel in the bargain.